Sølvregel nr. 8

Mitt samvittighetsfulle selv;
Be ikke om en tjeneste av dem som ikke vil gi deg den.

Pir Zias kommentar:

For a moment let us pause and revive the memory of having ardently asked for something and having been refused. And then recall a memory of something having been asked of you ardently, a request that for reasons of your own you could not accept, and the impact of the negative answer on the other person.

This is a rule that pertains to relationships. It asks us to bring our full awareness to our relationships rather than losing ourselves in such self-absorption that we have no insight into the thoughts, feelings, and inclinations of those around us. When we do so we are again and again caught off guard and surprised by others’ reactions. Others do not meet our expectations; we are disappointed time after time, and the accumulation of disappointments leads to depression and hopelessness—all because, in the first instance, we have been unrealistic in our assessment.

We must learn to moderate our expectations to bring them in line with sober, perceptive insight into the people around us, their ways of thinking and behaving, and their motivations, instead of being so completely caught up in our own needs, wishes, ambitions that we can see nothing else. The more that we are able to understand the perspectives of other people, the more immune to disappointment, and the more capable of tolerance, we will be. Rather than rushing in headlong, we will engage with others from a spirit of interdependence, fellowship, and mutuality. Just as we do not like it when we are put on the spot and imposed upon, when we make a request, we must appreciate the situation of the other. We must ask: what are the factors that would reasonably prevent that person from being ready to accede to our request? It doesn’t mean we have to become utterly pessimistic; there may be good reason to be hopeful, but let us be realistic. Whenever we are disappointed, it always due to a lack of realism.

My conscientious self, do not ask a favor of those who will not grant it you.